Welcome, Guest
Username: Password: Remember me
Many of us are carers now and so this category is for carers to share their thoughts and experiences
  • Page:
  • 1

TOPIC: Once a Carer

Once a Carer 2 months 2 weeks ago #3305440

  • 19Pete38
  • 19Pete38's Avatar Topic Author
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
I cared for a lady who had pancreatic cancer. On diagnosis, which took doctors in the country 12 months to find, Elaine was given 3 months to live with the comment from the doctor that the cancer was incurable, inoperable and she had a short time to live. Elaine, against the advice of the doctor, chose to have Chemo.

As many would know, Chemo is not a very pleasant treatment, but when one is desperate to hang on to life, it is acceptable.

The forum is about Carers, so here is what I discovered: I became "how's Elaine". I do not think that people actually knew that I existed. My past friends stopped asking me to their homes, simply because they knew that I would have to refuse. After Elaine died, I had to try to find all my old friends again.

I was with Elaine for 2 years before she died, and I would never have left her on her own during that terrible time if it had not been for two interfering old witches that were jealous of the pats on the back that I was getting from a few close and new friends.

This is hard to write about now, Sorry.

Please Log in to join the conversation.

Once a Carer 2 months 2 weeks ago #3305504

  • Rose57
  • Rose57's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Platinum Buzzer
  • Platinum Buzzer
  • Posts: 949
  • Well said received: 1604
  • Points: 19784
  • Honor Medal 2010

19Pete38 wrote: I cared for a lady who had pancreatic cancer. On diagnosis, which took doctors in the country 12 months to find, Elaine was given 3 months to live with the comment from the doctor that the cancer was incurable, inoperable and she had a short time to live. Elaine, against the advice of the doctor, chose to have Chemo.

As many would know, Chemo is not a very pleasant treatment, but when one is desperate to hang on to life, it is acceptable.

The forum is about Carers, so here is what I discovered: I became "how's Elaine". I do not think that people actually knew that I existed. My past friends stopped asking me to their homes, simply because they knew that I would have to refuse. After Elaine died, I had to try to find all my old friends again.

I was with Elaine for 2 years before she died, and I would never have left her on her own during that terrible time if it had not been for two interfering old witches that were jealous of the pats on the back that I was getting from a few close and new friends.

This is hard to write about now, Sorry.


So sorry to hear about your loss, sounds like you cared about Elaine very much.
The following user(s) said Well Said: JUJO

Please Log in to join the conversation.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always. – Robin Williams
Last edit: by Rose57.

Once a Carer 2 months 2 weeks ago #3305515

  • Rose57
  • Rose57's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Platinum Buzzer
  • Platinum Buzzer
  • Posts: 949
  • Well said received: 1604
  • Points: 19784
  • Honor Medal 2010
I was once a caregiver to my late husband. One of the hardest things was getting help, by the time I eventually realized I desperately needed help I didn’t know who to ask. When the home health nurses came to evaluate him he was never truthful, maybe it was denial that he didn’t wanted others know how bad he was. Maybe he wasn’t ready to face his own reality. His health declined so rapidly by the time hospice decided he qualified it was too late, he passed away before their first visit.
Towards the end the days and nights flashed by in a blur. The many trips to the hospital. I remember watching in amazement how polite, kind and sweet he was to the nurses, yet towards me he was mean spirited, he complained, even when I did things to help him, there was no thank you, I was exhausted, trying to comprehend why he said horrible unkind things to me. I wondered if his cruel actions was the only way that’s he knew how to show his fear. He knew I won’t leave, but he did find out one hospital stay after serval days of repeated verbal battering, he push me too far. I walked out of the hospital pharmacy in tears and went out to the car to wait for him. It was a VA hospital all he had to do was ask a nurse to wheel him out to the car. I wasn’t surprised to see he had to chosen to find his own way to the car.
I later learned hospitals often have hidden cameras in rooms to watch a patient without them knowing. There’s a very good chance the hospital witnessed his cruel actions towards me and said something to him. I never realized it until now but looking back it seems he was a little more mindful of how he treated me.
Care giving is such an emotional roller coaster what works one days doesn’t the next. All I can say is no one suggested seeking support. I see now emotional support is as vital to the carer as it is to the patient.
The following user(s) said Well Said: JennieR62, Sweetness56, Marmota

Please Log in to join the conversation.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always. – Robin Williams

Once a Carer 2 months 1 week ago #3309814

  • jeffreybbb
  • jeffreybbb's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Senior Buzzer
  • Senior Buzzer
  • Posts: 70
  • Well said received: 64
  • Points: 20606
  • Honor Medal 2010
Rose I was carer for my dad as he was dying of cancer, my sisters left me and a friend of dads to it, the main help at that time was district nurses who visited three times daily and a small number of friends. At the time I was in my 20s with no knowledge or insight into what was ahead. It took some time before I found I could obtain hlp with all the stuff from the chemists, for a small annual sum
But what I found the hardest to cope with was his, strange accusations about my having a relationship, how I did not care or look after him, but then he could turn to a vistor and speak to tehm as normal. I mentioned this to the district nurses and they explained that this often happened with people who were dying of cancer, that they were really vile to those who were the most supportive and spent the most time caring. He had never been like this before so was it part of the condition, guilt or something else, it did not put me off just was so hard to listen to, I am grateful though that I had the chance to make those last months more tolerable.
Later in my career I worked with people with cancer and every so often this same thing would happen, to the kindest and most caring of people, I hope my explaining my experience helped them at least a little along the way and does for you to
The following user(s) said Well Said: Sweetness56

Please Log in to join the conversation.

Once a Carer 2 months 1 week ago #3309819

  • JUJO
  • JUJO's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Titanium Buzzer
  • Titanium Buzzer
  • Posts: 2810
  • Well said received: 2988
  • Points: 2177
  • Honor Medal 2010

19Pete38 wrote: I cared for a lady who had pancreatic cancer. On diagnosis, which took doctors in the country 12 months to find, Elaine was given 3 months to live with the comment from the doctor that the cancer was incurable, inoperable and she had a short time to live. Elaine, against the advice of the doctor, chose to have Chemo.

As many would know, Chemo is not a very pleasant treatment, but when one is desperate to hang on to life, it is acceptable.

The forum is about Carers, so here is what I discovered: I became "how's Elaine". I do not think that people actually knew that I existed. My past friends stopped asking me to their homes, simply because they knew that I would have to refuse. After Elaine died, I had to try to find all my old friends again.

I was with Elaine for 2 years before she died, and I would never have left her on her own during that terrible time if it had not been for two interfering old witches that were jealous of the pats on the back that I was getting from a few close and new friends.

This is hard to write about now, Sorry.








Deeply sorry for your loss,

Please Log in to join the conversation.

No home is complete without the pitter patter of kitty feet.
  • Page:
  • 1
Moderators: pascaloumike
Time to create page: 0.211 seconds
Powered by Kunena Forum

Over 50 forums just for seniors Join Free here!

Buzz50 is one of the few sites where the forums are strictly restricted to those who are over 50 only.

Our senior forums are run by over 50s purely for over 50s to enjoy. If you like serious or even light hearted discussions then this is the place for you.