The horn on my car broke but I was able to fix it because I used to be in the Boy Scouts. ‘Beep repaired’.

Someone has stolen my Microsoft Office
I do not care who you are, i will hunt you down and find you
You have my word

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?

Sofishticated

My New Year’s resolution to stop making up words is going splentacularly badly.

I sent ten puns to a publisher in the hopes that at least one would be published. Alas, no pun in ten did.

A father and his young son were out walking one day.

Son: "Dad we learned in Geography class today that in some countries you don't know who you are marrying until your wedding day".

Father: "It's like that everywhere son".

A slice of pie is $3.00 in Jamaica

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $5.50

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

I'll get my coat lol.

Bruce wrote: A slice of pie is $3.00 in Jamaica

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $5.50

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

I'll get my coat lol.

Okay, and let yourself out please...Lol

A wife says to her husband, "My mother called me this morning and said she and Dad got into a terrible argument last night because he never wears his hearing aids". Her husband asks, "Why would that cause such a heated argument"? "Mom says Dad was coming in from the garden and she said, John did you get the mail? Dad said, "No, YOU go to hell"!

An elderly couple were having problems with their memory. They decided to seek a doctor's advice. The doctor told them they should start writing things down to help them remember.
One evening they were lounging around watching a TV show. The husband decided he wanted a dish of ice cream and asked his wife if she would like some also. She replied, "yes thank you. Don't you think you should write it down? He said, no I'll remember it.
He proceeded to the kitchen and was in there for quite some time. He finally returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She said, "See, I know you should have written it down. I wanted sausage instead of bacon".