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TOPIC: Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 1 month 1 week ago #3631081

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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 1 month 1 week ago #3631605

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The Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So, he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice-looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

They went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.......

He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.”

“Did you dance much?”

“I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening….” But, you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I ‘loaned’ my costume to....”
The following user(s) said Well Said: cahoots, oldal

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 1 month 1 week ago #3631644

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Good take on an old joke. Well needed laugh for the times.

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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 1 month 1 week ago #3631645

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The Americans trained spies from birth to enter the Soviet Union and find out information. They had trained one American for 20 years, taught him the culture, the language, food, and their general way of life. By the time the American was 21, they had shipped him off to Moscow. As soon as he got off in Moscow, the Soviets immediately found out that he was an American spy. "How did you find out?" The spy asked. A Soviet replies "Foolish American, there are no black people in the USSR!"
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Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 1 month 1 week ago #3631942

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Little Johnny:

Little Johnny tells his female teacher, "I have to go piss!"

The teacher replies, "Johnny, the correct and proper word is "urinate". You may be excused, but before you go, I want you to compose and recite a sentence using the word "urinate".

Little Johnny replies, "Urinate, Miss, but if you had a bigger bosom you'd be a ten."

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 1 month 1 week ago #3631998

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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 3 weeks 5 days ago #3637316

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Girl's night out:


Two wives decided to go for a girl's night out and both got quite drunk. Their way home took them through the local cemetery, where they both needed to pee. Unfortunately, neither of them had anything to wipe with, so one used her knickers, while the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.

Next morning, the husbands were talking. 'Well that's it' said one 'No more girls nights out for my wife...she came home drunk without her knickers!'.

'That's nothing' replied the other, 'Mine came home with a card stuck in her fanny saying 'From all the lads at the fire station...we'll never forget you!''
The following user(s) said Well Said: oldal

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 3 weeks 3 days ago #3638139

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A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."
The following user(s) said Well Said: Shadowman

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 3 weeks 11 hours ago #3639364

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What's it like being British !!! This is soooo brilliant,makes me smile over and over again!
What it's like to be British.............
• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

Actually some of it is "What it is like to be human"!!
The following user(s) said Well Said: cahoots, Eira, oldal

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Treasure the moments that you have, savour them for as long as you can, for they will never come back again.

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 2 weeks 6 days ago #3639597

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^^^
Brilliant! ... and I thought it was just me! ... nice to know I’m not the only one! :lol: :laugh: :laugh:
The following user(s) said Well Said: imosel

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Step by step, one goes a long way.
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