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TOPIC: Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 3 weeks ago #3569129

  • KayyGee
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Here's some jokes to tickle your brain as well as your funny bone:
1.

What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

“HeHe!”

2.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

3.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Duh dum chh.

4.

I poured root beer into a square cup.

Now I just have beer.

5.

All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

(Credit: Stephen Wright)

6.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

7.

A programmer went to the grocery store.

His wife said "while you are out, go get some milk"

He never came back.
8.

Jean Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress,

I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.

The waitress replies,

I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?

9.

Your momma is so mean, she has no standard deviation.

10.

No matter how kind you think your children are, German children are kinder.

11.

How do you tell Oedipus to stop swearing?

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

12.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

13.

The barman says:

We don't serve time travellers in here!

A man walks into a bar.

14.

A German man orders a Martini.

The barman asks:

Dry?

The German replies:

No thank you, just one.
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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 3 weeks ago #3569492

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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me...
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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 3 weeks ago #3569942

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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I’ve arrived
Date: April 6, 2006

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you’re allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!
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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 3 weeks ago #3570036

  • oldal
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Here are 12 things to consider as we get closer to closing the door on one of the most horrible years of our lifetime:
1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot.
6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!
9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.
12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.
The following user(s) said Well Said: cahoots, KayyGee, Keeper, MoonlitRoads63, AngelButterfly, Kate, Cats Meow

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Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 2 weeks ago #3571840

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A man knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water...
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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 1 week ago #3575467

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I wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either.
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Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 1 week ago #3575918

  • Keeper
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Grandma

The computer's slallowed Grandma
Yes, honestly it's true
She pressed "Control and Enter"
and disappeared from view

It's devoured her completely
The thought just makes me squirm
Maybe she's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
and files of every kind
I've even used the Internet
But nothing did I find.

In desperation I asked "Google"
My searches to refine
The reply from it was negative
Not a thing was found "online".

So, if inside your 'Inbox'
My Grandma you should see,
Please, 'scan,' 'copy' and 'paste' her
in an email back to me
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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 1 week ago #3575919

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oldal wrote: Here are 12 things to consider as we get closer to closing the door on one of the most horrible years of our lifetime:
1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot.
6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!
9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.
12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.



:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Where do you tuck your beard in a mask, Al? smile.png I just pictured you.
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Last edit: by Keeper.

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 1 week ago #3576321

  • Aries1950
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Sing this to the tune of (These Are A Few of) My Favorite Things.
Attachments:
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BASEBALL IS HERE! Spring Training first, and then the season starts!

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 1 week ago #3576896

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And then there is this:
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
The following user(s) said Well Said: cahoots, Elspeth, AngelButterfly

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"The owl of Minerva takes its flight only when the shades of night are gathering." Georg Hegel
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