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TOPIC: Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 6 months 1 day ago #3565995

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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta...
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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 4 weeks ago #3567016

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As a scientist, I never trust atoms.

They make up everything...
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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 4 weeks ago #3567615

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The grandson was shocked to see his grandfather sunning on the back porch naked from the waist down and asked the old man about it.
Grandpa replied, "Last week I sat here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."
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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 4 weeks ago #3567841

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My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the ceiling...
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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 3 weeks ago #3568249

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Aman sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar - he's never been out of the garden."
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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner
Last edit: by Eira.

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 3 weeks ago #3568383

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Never date a cross-eyed person.

They’re probably seeing someone on the side...
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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 3 weeks ago #3568716

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A butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £20 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trots across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!
The owner responds, "Genius, my ar**. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"
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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 3 weeks ago #3569102

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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic
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Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 3 weeks ago #3569104

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sciguy18 wrote: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic


Claustraphobic .... and probl'y on the naughty list !
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There is a crack ... a crack in everything .... That's how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen ~ Anthem

Just for laughs - NO pictures! Part 2 5 months 3 weeks ago #3569106

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Rearranged letters -- add yours:


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY :
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

President Clinton of the USA:
When you rearrange the letters:
To copulate he finds interns
The following user(s) said Well Said: cahoots, habibi, MoonlitRoads63, AngelButterfly

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner
Last edit: by norm1035.
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