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TOPIC: Just for Laughs - not pictures!

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 4 months ago #2781239

  • ViolaRMoody
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Funny! :laugh:

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 4 months ago #2787318

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Old Men
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
The following user(s) said Well Said: Sirfurryanimal, Meeooow

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 4 months ago #2787355

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my wife didnt believe id made a real full size working car out of spaghetti................

you should have seen her face when i drove pasta.... :S :xxx:

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 4 months ago #2787593

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IRISH OR ITALIAN ...?
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola,whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledgedthat Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked: "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called





POPE SE-COLA !
*You know you're going to pass it on toCatholic and non-Catholic friends alike.

Smiles to each :)
The following user(s) said Well Said: Sirfurryanimal

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 4 months ago #2787880

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A Young Bachelor's Tale:

My two maiden aunts would always come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs, and say, "You're next!"


They stopped doing that when I started doing the same to them at funerals.
The following user(s) said Well Said: maylily7651, Sirfurryanimal

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 4 months ago #2787964

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norm1035 wrote: Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. ”

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.

“President Trump,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”

And off they go. At the White House, Trump spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Bubba. "I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?'”


wow havnt heard that for years!!:)

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 4 months ago #2787967

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Jewish friend of mine went to his Rabbi and said my wife is trying to poison me....hang on the Rabbi said...came back two hours later and said ..TAKE THE POISON!!

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 4 months ago #2788058

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when does a sandwich cook?........

when its " bakin' lettuce and tomato" :xxx: :woohoo:

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 4 months ago #2788086

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Frankie wrote:

norm1035 wrote: Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

'”


wow havnt heard that for years!!:)


And you laughed so hard you kicked all the slats out of your crib. :)

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 4 months ago #2788747

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Smart House

Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and I are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* ...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom, then *poof* the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and the light goes on in the bathroom and then the light goes off?" Thelma replied, "Oh sweet Jesus! He's peeing in the fridge again!"

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