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TOPIC: Just for Laughs - not pictures!

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 6 days ago #3309369

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Someone told me to try horse manure on my rhubarb...
I have got to say, that I still prefer custard!
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Last edit: by Pats.

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 6 days ago #3309370

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A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering free drinks all night for just under 20 quid...
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's £19.99
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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 6 days ago #3309372

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Will my continental quilt still work after we leave the EU on October 31st?
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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 5 days ago #3309699

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A bloke opens the door on a Barbers shop and asks "How long for a haircut please" Barber says "about an hour bud" Guy says "I will come back in an hour" he doesn't return.
A week later same bloke opens the door and asks how long for an haircut mate? Barber says an hour bud, Guy says ok I will come back in an hour He doesn't come back.
This happened every week for a month so the next time the bloke opened the door and says how long for an haircut mate the barber says one hour bud, again he says I will be back in an hour and leaves, The barber says to his young apprentice go and follow that man and see where he goes but don't get seen, So off the lad goes following the man.
About 30 minutes later the apprentice returns to the shop and the barber says well did you follow him? lad says yes boss, Barber says did you find out where he is going? Apprentice says yes boss. Barbers says well where does he go? Apprentice says Your house Boss.
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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 3 days ago #3310880

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An Elephant and Snake in the jungle decide to play Snooker but having no arms or a table or cues they decide to do tricks an ok trick 2 reds 2 blacks a brilliant trick 6 reds 6 blacks and so on, So the snake for 6 reds and 6 blacks climbs to the top of a tree dives off does seven 360 turns and lands vertical. The Elephant impressed and says ok for ten red followed by ten blacks I will do the same the snake says ok go for it thinking he will never do it, The elephant does it lands perfectly and the Snake thinks wow that was good I have really got to get a good one in here or I have lost so after a bit of thought the Snake says to the elephant ok the best trick ever I will do but it is for the game, the elephant says what trick? the snake says I will slide up your leg in to your bum through your intestines in to your stomach then up your oesophagus and down your long nose and out, The elephant thinks there is no way he can do that so he says ok snake go for it, the snake slides up the elephants leg in to his bum through the bowel and through the intestines and gets to the stomach then the elephant sticks his trunk up his bum and says how's that for a snooker?

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 3 days ago #3310892

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day, they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen...,

"That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"...!!!

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................oldal................
“If the wind will not serve, take to the oars. “

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 3 days ago #3310915

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Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.
He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”
The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”
Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes back in reply. “You change your course, sir.”
The captain is now furious. “I’m a battleship!” he signals. “I’m not changing course for anything.”
He receives one final call, stating, “Well, I’m a lighthouse, so it’s your call.”

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................oldal................
“If the wind will not serve, take to the oars. “

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 3 days ago #3311226

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walked pass a tramp in a doorway. he said hi i havent eat anything for 5 days i said i wish i had your willpower:laugh: :laugh:

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 2 days ago #3311511

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A Scarecrow won an award lastnight He was outstanding in his field.

Did you hear about that magic tractor? It turned in to a field.

I am terrified of elevators so I am taking steps to avoid them.

Two Cannibals sitting eating a Clown, One says to the other does this taste funny to you.

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 6 days 10 hours ago #3313175

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My friend said to me the other day....

You look more and more like the postman every day:huh:

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Last edit: by Pats.
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