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TOPIC: Just for Laughs - not pictures!

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 weeks 6 days ago #3388145

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Elderly Man Thinks Fast

An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'

Moral: Old men can still think fast.:lol:
The following user(s) said Well Said: Sharkey, T65KBK, Mandi

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 weeks 3 days ago #3389969

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Whoever stole my glasses! Beware i will find you I have my contacts.
The following user(s) said Well Said: T65KBK, CHERIE 12

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 weeks 2 days ago #3390792

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Two guys are out hunting, having a fine time, until one of them suddenly collapses in the forest. His mate grabs his cell phone (well, a satellite phone, for better reception) and calls 9-1-1. (For you in the U.K., that's 9-9-9.)

An operator answers. "What is your emergency?"

"My friend and I are hunting," the man gasps, "And he's just keeled over! I think he's dead!"

The operator reassures him. "Now don't worry. I'm right here with you, and I'll stay with you until help arrives." She pauses. "But first, are you sure he's dead?"

Silence, then a gunshot: BOOM! And the hunter says, "Okay, now what?"

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 weeks 20 hours ago #3391650

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NO MORE BRITISH BREAKFAST TREATS

A dyslexic friend of mine has been in constant pain in his legs and hip area for weeks and pain medications have given him no relief, His family doctor recommended he see an orthopedist.. My friend found out he may no longer enjoy eating his lightly sweetened biscuit like cakes made from flour, fat, milk, and sometimes added fruit when the orthopedic surgeon he was seeing said he would need a scone ban.

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 weeks 4 days ago #3393597

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Peter Pan Airways has announced its new SKY BUS transportation line starting in March of 2020. Test shuttle flights between New York and Boston have proved to be very successful with some very happy riders.

The SKY BUS was created by the merger of United Air Minds and Grey Crowned corporations . Using refurbished engines of defrocked Concorde jet planes, the Peter Pan SKY BUS ensures quality and speed to all its destination in cities throughout the USA.

While plans to include overseas flights are planned, the Coronavirus panic must first subside. SKY BUS will never never land outside the USA until the growing crisis is resolved .

The main reason for this is that the SKY BUS lift offs are only accomplished with at least 75% of the passengers thinking happy thoughts. These buses remain grounded until happy thoughts dominate the bus. Like the peanut butter, Peter Pan Airways always insure smooth flights.

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 weeks 19 hours ago #3395643

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I thought I’d be romantic so I gave my wife a map of the world and a dart. I said ‘we go wherever the dart lands’ I’m happy to announce that in March we’re spending 2 weeks in the skirting board!
The following user(s) said Well Said: T65KBK

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 5 days ago #3396879

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Just bumped into a cross eyed woman, and she shouted You need to look where you're going I said you need to go where you're looking.
The following user(s) said Well Said: Rosie 2 UK, T65KBK, CHERIE 12

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 5 days ago #3396882

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A cruise ship carrying 3,700 quarantined in Japan after 10 test positive for the Coronavirus.
Worst still, Jane McDonald is their entertainment :S

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 1 week 5 days ago #3396884

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Sharkey wrote: I thought I’d be romantic so I gave my wife a map of the world and a dart. I said ‘we go wherever the dart lands’ I’m happy to announce that in March we’re spending 2 weeks in the skirting board!


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 days 23 hours ago #3403041

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Storm Dennis blew a Lidl bag into my garden.
I didn’t want the neighbours to get the wrong idea so I replaced it with a Waitrose bag :laugh: :laugh:

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