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TOPIC: Just for Laughs - not pictures!

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 11 months ago #2645177

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The Ventriloquist
(Apologies in advance to any blondes on the forum.)

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and launches into a tirade: "I’ve heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against women...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little f**ker on your knee!"
The following user(s) said Well Said: PopsnTuff

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner
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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 10 months ago #2649772

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Why do Chinese women wash in Tide?
Cause too damn cold out tide

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 10 months ago #2649805

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That was a tad racist and sexist maybe?

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 10 months ago #2649807

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Linden wrote: That was a tad racist and sexist maybe?

Not really, just daft.... :silly:

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 10 months ago #2649835

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Worlds gone p c mad.. what can you say about anything or anyone today before someone jumps on the bandwagon complaining of racism or sexism
Just a bit of fun why question it?
Let's see if this gets taken down

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 10 months ago #2649899

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The 1950s called and wants its jokes back :lol:

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 10 months ago #2651326

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A lawyer whose brand new Jaguar was just sideswiped by another car is standing beside his wrecked vehicle bemoaning its damage. The investigating police officer says to him, "Sir, you lawyers are all alike -- overly concerned with material things, You're crying over the damage to your car and you haven't even noticed that the other vehicle took your left hand off at the wrist. We'll have to get you to a hospital right away."

The lawyer looks down at his missing appendage and screams, "OH MY GOD! WHERE'S MY FU**ING ROLEX?!"
The following user(s) said Well Said: PopsnTuff, Meeooow

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner
Last edit: by norm1035.

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 10 months ago #2651729

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To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
The following user(s) said Well Said: PopsnTuff, Meeooow

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 10 months ago #2652632

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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.



So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."



Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"


Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to **** us off.
The following user(s) said Well Said: PopsnTuff

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 10 months ago #2653903

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An oldie:

A store has just opened in New York City that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited....

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner
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