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TOPIC: Just for Laughs - not pictures!

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 11 months ago #2688069

  • eagleye
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A bloke goes to Tesco and notices an attractive
woman waving at him. She says: 'Hello!
He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.So he says:
'Do you know me?'
To which she replies:
'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever
been unfaithful to his wife, and he says:
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had
sex with on the pool table with all my mates
watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly:
'No, I'm your son's school teacher.' !!!!!




.

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 11 months ago #2690260

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How to Maintain a Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT...



At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!



On all your check stubs, write, "For Sexual Favors"



Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.



With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.



Sing along at The Opera.



When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'



When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'



Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'



Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.



And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite...



Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 11 months ago #2690548

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you crack me up

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 11 months ago #2690640

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THE BLACKBIRDS

3 blackbirds sitting on a motorway fence.............caw..........caw.........van

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 11 months ago #2690690

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Farr wrote: Subject: Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year
phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one
less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year
when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make
words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining> "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten
styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
und> erstand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
zi forst plas.

Barking mad comes to mind re the Commission

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 11 months ago #2690789

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The lady and the pharmacist:

A woman goes into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist, "I want to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist replies, "Why would you want cyanide?" She answers, "I want to kill my husband."

The pharmacist replies, "Madam, I can't sell you cyanide. We'd both go to jail; I'd lose my license. There is NO WAY I'd sell you cyanide!"

The woman quietly opens her purse, extracts a photograph of the pharmacist's wife in bed with her husband and hands it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist studies the picture, looks up at the woman, and exclaims, "Oh! Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription!?"

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner
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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 11 months ago #2694911

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TALKING DOG FOR SALE:

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at a major airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars!" The owner says.
"Ten dollars? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t"

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 11 months ago #2696613

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A very naïve teen-aged male was convinced by his buddies that "shtupped" was a highly effective acne medication. Needing same, the young man went to a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist, "Can I get "shtupped" in here?"
The pharmacist peered at him over his glasses and said, "Not even with a prescription, son!"

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 11 months ago #2696711

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Harry goes off to the Doctors complaining of hearing problems. 'Oh really', says the Doctor, 'and what are your symptoms ?'. 'Well, Homer's a big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair !', hahaaaa

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 2 years 11 months ago #2697637

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thought i had an a ccident...but it was only a close shave :whistle:

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