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TOPIC: Just for Laughs - not pictures!

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 years 1 month ago #2594002

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 years 4 weeks ago #2606045

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I met a dutchman yesterday with a sat nav built into his shoes...clever clogs:eh
The following user(s) said Well Said: Frankie

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 years 4 weeks ago #2606220

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A little girl accompanied her father to the barber shop. She stood next to the barber's chair eating a snack cake while the barber cut her daddy's hair. The concerned barber warned, "Honey, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." To which the little girl replied, "I know. And I'm going to get boobs too."

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 years 3 weeks ago #2609445

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an oldie:


Attachments:
The following user(s) said Well Said: Meeooow

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 years 3 weeks ago #2609655

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VERY funny!!!

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 years 3 weeks ago #2609711

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Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a strange, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...



ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 years 3 weeks ago #2609747

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Credit "lordflagpolecrabtree" from another forum:

"I'm sure the same applies to our US cousins.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company five years ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers nine years ago, you would have nothing today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock seven years ago, you would have nothing today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer five years ago, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Now doesn’t that make you proud to be British!"
The following user(s) said Well Said: June21

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner

Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 years 1 week ago #2616500

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The oldest computer can apparently be traced back to the time of Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple.
But with extremely limited memory.
Just 1 bite.
Then everything crashed
The following user(s) said Well Said: Tachyon

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 years 1 week ago #2616506

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Sexy secretary comes angrily out of Boss's cabin..

Staff asked:
what happend?

Secretary:
He asked me r u free tonight?

I said yes !
Rascal gave me 60 pages to type!!!

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Just for Laughs - not pictures! 3 years 1 week ago #2617910

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Wedding vows


During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you £200 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to love, honour and obey' and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to love her always monetarially and physically, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the priest and said under his breath, "I thought we had a deal."
The priest put the £200 back into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

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"However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you and authentically care for you, Do not give up on that. Do not settle for less." -- Samuel Brebner
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