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TOPIC: MaGnUm's Jokes

MaGnUm's Jokes 1 week 5 days ago #3267536

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A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

RULE #2: When in doubt... refer to RULE #1.

MaGnUm's Jokes 1 week 1 day ago #3269995

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Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep crap."

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

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MaGnUm's Jokes 1 week 10 hours ago #3270851

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The following user(s) said Well Said: Topsy

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

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MaGnUm's Jokes 5 days 6 hours ago #3272201

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One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

Why are you stopping'? She whispered.

He whispered back, 'I found the remote'.
The following user(s) said Well Said: Topsy, Meeooow

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

RULE #2: When in doubt... refer to RULE #1.

MaGnUm's Jokes 2 days 14 hours ago #3273971

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It was blowing a gust as the flower girl stood waiting on the corner to cross the street - so hard that it blew her skirt right over her head. The gentleman next to her remarked, "Rather airy, isn't it?" Her retort: "What'd you expect, guv', feathers?"


Vertically-Challenged Female: Doctor, my crotch itches when it rains*.
Doctor examines patient.
Doctor: Yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, fetch me my power saw.
Doctor plugs in power saw, Vertically-Challenged Female faints.
Vertically-Challenged Female eventually regains consciousness, sees the doctor putting away his saw.
Doctor: Ah, you're awake. Have a walk outside now, see whether that's any better.
It is raining hard, and Vertically-Challenged Female goes outside, walks up and down, and then returns to the room.
Vertically-Challenged Female: It worked! I'm cured! What did you do?
Doctor: I cut the top few inches off your boots.

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

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MaGnUm's Jokes 13 hours 36 minutes ago #3275457

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My 3-year-old son had a hard time with potty training and I was on him all the time. One day we stopped by McDonald’s to pick up a quick bite to eat between errands. The restaurant was packed. As I was enjoying my burger, I got a really unpleasant whiff of something. First, I checked my 7-month-old daughter, but she was clean as can be. Then I realized that my son hadn’t been to the bathroom for a while, but he swore he didn’t have an accident. I thought, “Oh no, he pooped his pants and I don’t have a change of clothes.” So I asked him again, “Are you sure you didn’t go in your pants?” “No!” he repeated. I was so sure he was fibbing and the smell kept getting stronger, so I asked one last time, “Tell me the truth, did you poop your pants?” He looked up, angry, jumped up on the chair, yanked down his pants and yelled, “Look Mom! It was just farts!” While everyone around us nearly choked on their burgers my son quietly sat back down and kept eating like nothing had happened. I wanted to melt to the floor. A few people reassured me by thanking us for the best laugh they’d had in a while and then an old man came up to the car as we were getting ready to leave. He turned to my son and said, “Don’t worry pal. My wife accuses me of the same thing all the time, I just never had the nerve to prove myself like you did.”
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The following user(s) said Well Said: Topsy

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

RULE #2: When in doubt... refer to RULE #1.
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