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TOPIC: MaGnUm's Jokes

MaGnUm's Jokes 2 months 3 weeks ago #3141358

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You might be from the South if…

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of home improvements.
You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You use a rag for a gas cap on your pickup truck (or car).
You’ve ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

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MaGnUm's Jokes 2 months 3 weeks ago #3142044

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There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX: You and your spouse are newlyweds and you SCREW all over the house.

BEDROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for a few years, have settled down, and only SCREW in the bedroom.

HALL SEX: You and your spouse have been married for fifteen years and say, "SCREW YOU!" when you pass in the hall.

COURTROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for twenty years, your spouse's lawyer SCREWS you out of everything you've got.

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

RULE #2: When in doubt... refer to RULE #1.

MaGnUm's Jokes 2 months 3 weeks ago #3142580

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A man walked out of the bathroom naked.
He declared to his wife, “It’s really hot outside, way too hot for clothes. What do you suppose our neighbors would say if I did all the yard work today in my birthday suit?”
She took one look at him and said, “I know exactly what they’d say. That I married you for your money.”

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

RULE #2: When in doubt... refer to RULE #1.

MaGnUm's Jokes 2 months 2 weeks ago #3145111

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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”
Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

RULE #2: When in doubt... refer to RULE #1.

MaGnUm's Jokes 2 months 2 weeks ago #3145639

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An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”
He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

RULE #2: When in doubt... refer to RULE #1.

MaGnUm's Jokes 2 months 2 weeks ago #3146311

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A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor!”


Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: “Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date.”



Two husbands were having a conversation, First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”


Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper so I could have a new one everyday.

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MaGnUm's Jokes 2 months 2 weeks ago #3147133

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Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read, “I can’t take the critism anymore.”
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she remarked:
“That’s NOT how you spell criticism my dear!”


A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”


A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: “Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever” “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: “Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last”

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

RULE #2: When in doubt... refer to RULE #1.

MaGnUm's Jokes 2 months 1 week ago #3147735

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Wife: ‘Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Husband: For God’s sake woman it’s a scarf!


A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”


Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don’t you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don’t even know her.


Woman: Say something that makes me feel a woman.
Man: You can’t park the car.

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

RULE #2: When in doubt... refer to RULE #1.

MaGnUm's Jokes 2 months 1 week ago #3148675

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This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, ” Honey let’s get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!”
As they sat at the dining table the wife says, “Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!”
The husband says, “That is because you have your boobs in the soup!”


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

RULE #2: When in doubt... refer to RULE #1.

MaGnUm's Jokes 2 months 1 week ago #3149282

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”

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RULE #1: Women are always right.

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